In this post I am going to pretty much bring you up to where I am today. This will be a rather long post. Probably the longest in the blog as most of the blog will be dealing with real time - things as they happen and the things I am going through - emotionally and psychologically - as I kick this shit once and for all.
So this first post will have to bring you through roughly the past 20 years or so up until now. But I'll be very brief.
After this, I may blog about past experiences now and then as I think about them and how they relate to the present, but this is going to be the post that will set up the blog as it will go.
So this first post will have to bring you through roughly the past 20 years or so up until now. But I'll be very brief.
After this, I may blog about past experiences now and then as I think about them and how they relate to the present, but this is going to be the post that will set up the blog as it will go.
(Alive - Pearl Jam)
I am amazed that I am not dead. Sometimes I hear that song "Alive" by Pearl Jam and I can almost relate it to me. Having known several friends now who have died as a result of drug abuse - and I'm still here. (or do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so... if so... who answers? Who answers?)
It really is amazing - the people you meet when you're getting high. I have hung out with all kind of people. Street gangs in Las Vegas, gun toting crazies who aren't afraid to die, homeless bums, hookers in cheap motels, stockbrokers who lived in multi-million dollar mansions - who would spill more cocaine on the floor than I could ever afford - and not even think of it.
The following will be a rough outline of the past 20 years or so of my life... along with the songs that were new and popular at that time...
(Sweet Child of Mine - Guns N Roses)
(Sweet Child of Mine - Guns N Roses)
I remember it perfectly. It was Christmas Eve, 1989 and it was the company Christmas party at the landscaping company I worked for. I was 17 years old and we were all getting crocked. Towards the end of the bash, I went with a couple of the guys and they copped some cocaine. It was my first time.
I snorted that line and - wow - I loved it. I still remember me and my friends then went to the local movie theater. This theater got movies about 6 months after they had come out, but the price was cheap. About $1.50 or so - and that was in 1988. I remember the movie was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit". There I was drunk and wired for the first time on Christmas Eve. Needless to say we got thrown out for being too loud and rowdy.
I went home. Family was over, but I didn't talk to anyone. I went to bed and passed out.
I snorted that line and - wow - I loved it. I still remember me and my friends then went to the local movie theater. This theater got movies about 6 months after they had come out, but the price was cheap. About $1.50 or so - and that was in 1988. I remember the movie was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit". There I was drunk and wired for the first time on Christmas Eve. Needless to say we got thrown out for being too loud and rowdy.
I went home. Family was over, but I didn't talk to anyone. I went to bed and passed out.
(We didn't start the fire - Billy Joel)
The next few years would have me doing a lot of drinking. It didn't take long before I became one of those asshole drunks who no one wanted to be around. Even my closest friends started distancing themselves from me.
I fell in love a couple of times with a couple of girls - but nothing lasted. I would drink and get into fights. I would hurt my own friends. I never was able to keep a girlfriend. And as I write this in September of 2009, I still can't.
I would dabble with the coke here and there, but it never became too much of a problem.
The next few years would have me doing a lot of drinking. It didn't take long before I became one of those asshole drunks who no one wanted to be around. Even my closest friends started distancing themselves from me.
I fell in love a couple of times with a couple of girls - but nothing lasted. I would drink and get into fights. I would hurt my own friends. I never was able to keep a girlfriend. And as I write this in September of 2009, I still can't.
I would dabble with the coke here and there, but it never became too much of a problem.
(Man on the Moon - REM)
Suddenly in 1993 I stopped drinking. After 5 years of getting smashed 4 or 5 nights a week, I up and stopped. I was around 23 years old. And to this day, I don't drink.
The problem is - I substituted the drinking with snorting cocaine. I tried crack a few times, too, but I wasn't into that rush and the paranoia. Cocaine gave me a nice, smooth, mellow kind of high.
For the next several years I would get progressively worse. Having clean spells here and there - only to relapse because I would never get myself the right treatment. I tried a theraputic community in 1995 and they don't work. At least not for me. It was nothing less than boot camp and the only way I would get clean that way is if I sold my soul.
Suddenly in 1993 I stopped drinking. After 5 years of getting smashed 4 or 5 nights a week, I up and stopped. I was around 23 years old. And to this day, I don't drink.
The problem is - I substituted the drinking with snorting cocaine. I tried crack a few times, too, but I wasn't into that rush and the paranoia. Cocaine gave me a nice, smooth, mellow kind of high.
For the next several years I would get progressively worse. Having clean spells here and there - only to relapse because I would never get myself the right treatment. I tried a theraputic community in 1995 and they don't work. At least not for me. It was nothing less than boot camp and the only way I would get clean that way is if I sold my soul.
(I only wanna be with you - Hootie and the Blowfish)
I came out in 1995 and I did stay clean, but it didn't last. Before long I started hanging out at a biker bar where the coke was always there. I was a good customer and eventually they began spotting me coke when I had no money. I always paid them back because I was one of those "functioning addicts" who was able (at the time, anyway) to hold a job regardless of my excessive partying.
I came out in 1995 and I did stay clean, but it didn't last. Before long I started hanging out at a biker bar where the coke was always there. I was a good customer and eventually they began spotting me coke when I had no money. I always paid them back because I was one of those "functioning addicts" who was able (at the time, anyway) to hold a job regardless of my excessive partying.
(If it makes you happy - Sheryl Crowe)
Well that didn't last either. In 1998 I did lose my job and it was a result of my using. I moved down to Florida with some friends who had moved down there a year or two earlier and allowed me to stay with them until I got on my feet. By the time I got on my feet, I also had found the dealers. I spent most of my time in Florida barely making rent - even having my electric shut off - went through 4 jobs in 9 months - and many times I had to call my dad begging him to wire money just so I could eat and get my lights turned back on.
One night, I borrowed my friend's truck and went to Downtown St Petersburg where I knew just about all the hookers and dealers and the bums who lived in trailers without running water - who had to crap in a hole in the ground outside his trailer... Well, I pulled up to one of the "spots" and a black guy came up to the truck - followed by another black guy. The guy opened the door and said "let me borrow this truck". I told him no, I can't, it's not mine.
Needless to say, he was persistant and by the time I felt I should pull away, his friend was already sitting in the passenger seat.
"Okay. Take it"... It seemed like it was that or my life.
Now I'm walking the streets of Downtown St Pete wondering what I am going to tell my friend.
Turns out the truck was found a few days later with a flat tire. My friend wasn't happy with me. Another one added to the ever growing list of people I have hurt and screwed over in one way or another. And another friend who would no longer be my friend anymore.
It was time to go back home to New York.
I got my old job back. Only to get fired because of my cocaine use again in the spring of 1999. They hired me back a few months later after I swore I would stay clean. Only to get fired again in the FALL of 1999. I went back AGAIN in 2000 and they took me back again.
(Higher - Creed)
This time I would stay with them for a few years. I felt like I was able to control this monster now. Party here and there - go to work. One night I went on another bender and I took a couple hundred out of the safe. The Vice President took me into the back office and almost beat the shit out of me. The office manager had to hold him back. Even then - they let me stay on the job - until it happened again in 2004.
This time I would stay with them for a few years. I felt like I was able to control this monster now. Party here and there - go to work. One night I went on another bender and I took a couple hundred out of the safe. The Vice President took me into the back office and almost beat the shit out of me. The office manager had to hold him back. Even then - they let me stay on the job - until it happened again in 2004.
(Baby please don't go - Aerosmith)
This time I tried another shot at the "relocation cure". I went to Las Vegas where I drove a cab. It took about 2 months before I picked someone up who took me down a street behind the Stratosphere. Before I knew it I was using again. I found myself hanging out behind a set of apartments off East Flamingo with pistol waving thugs - literally (I'll get into these stories as time goes on) I lasted another 5 or 6 weeks before losing all and coming back home again.
The loser lost again.
This time I tried another shot at the "relocation cure". I went to Las Vegas where I drove a cab. It took about 2 months before I picked someone up who took me down a street behind the Stratosphere. Before I knew it I was using again. I found myself hanging out behind a set of apartments off East Flamingo with pistol waving thugs - literally (I'll get into these stories as time goes on) I lasted another 5 or 6 weeks before losing all and coming back home again.
The loser lost again.
To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment